Blog

my moody daze

Thu, Aug 17- Toronto

Four years ago, Summer 2019, I have a distinct memory of an outdoor party featuring the Palestinian musical collective, 47SOUL. I went solo but brought my two cameras.

It comes up now because I realized that I photographed two people who later became friends, i.e. at the party, I took photos of strangers, and years later, we met randomly and started a friendship.

How do friendships start? How do they continue? When do we know if its time to move on from a friend? 

Mon, Jul 24- Toronto

I want to apply to the fellowship again. I need another chance to work with the university’s archive and dig into images of Iraq.

While doing yet another collage, for Venus Retrograde this time, I stumbled upon this quote:

“Archive memory is real. It’s how we learn from the angels of history guiding us into a world we actually desire and truly want to live in.” - Precious Okoyomon

In what ways can we access the deep ancestral knowledge that resides within us? How can we stay curious and continually learn?

Fri, Jul 21- Toronto

Self-portraiture is the assignment. Like a selfie, but a bit more complex, more thoughful.

I don’t usually like photos taken of me, I prefer being behind the camera. But its time to accept and try new ways of expressing. Also, if I’m setting  up the shot, I will have some control over the outcome.

Control & expectations, thats what I really want to let go of, set myself free of.

Fri, Jun 30 - Toronto

I’m 55 minutes into a 6 and-half-hour long musical expression about the deteriorating effects of dementia. So far, its hauntingly beautiful. 

X recommended it, how very avant-garde of them.

On another note, during my walk with the dog yesterday, I brought Hassan with us. I finished a whole roll of film and I’m curious to see the results.

Summer days are in full effect.

Fri, Jun 23 - Toronto

Part of the work I’m doing is actually recordkeeping and creating an archive of some sort. The film negatives which these images were produced from are forever immortalized against the digital age. 

In doing so, I’m ensuring that history will know we are here, living our best life. We are the global majority.

Tue, Jun 13 - Toronto

My paternal aunt came over yesterday. Her life story is such an inspiration and she has a wealth of knowledge and stories.

I handed her the 100s of photos of her late sister, she was so touched and it was much appreciated. 

The responsibility of having those physical photos, disappeared. 

Thu, Jun 1 - Toronto

Went to a darkroom printing party at G44 yesterday. The print isn’t perfect. 

Process and progress, those are my goals.  

Sun, May 14 - Toronto

Is it perfect? No. But the vibe is there.

Under the moonlight's glow, there's nowhere we won't go.

The feedback from the workshop is to get technically better, and there’s no other way to do that then to try. Photograph, develop, analyze, repeat.

Sat, May 13 - Toronto

My moon T-shirt disappears from time to time. 

It eventually shows up.

I peeked the crescent moon from my comfortable bed at 4:38 AM and I actually got up and did something about it.

Today, I’ll hopefully go to my local developing lab and get negatives back soon, just to see if my experiments worked.

Fri, May 12 - Toronto

I must, I must, I must. Go out and photograph. I’m resisting and I’m not sure why. I keep making excuses but when I’m out there walking with the dog, I’m finding so many missed opportunities. I have these images only in my head now.

Don’t want to force it, looking for ease and flow. 

How do you balance what you’re suppose to do with what you want to do? When are you most at ease?

Sat, May 6 - Toronto

Happy and relieved. Also, Spring has really sprung here, finally. 

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I saw the full moon out my balcony. I mustered all my energy to get up and take a photo of it with Hassan. I won’t know if I’ve captured it until later.

Patience.

Now what?

moon love #2
portra 400
toronto
nov-2022

Wed, May 3 - Boston

Last night, all the sudden, I hit an emotional wall. 

It was almost like I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel past my sadness. I’m also super overwhelmed here. Thankful though.

Still dreaming of Mexico, literally, last night, I dreamt of another portfolio review, it was slow and gentle. 

In what ways do we suppress our true desires, and how do they reveal themselves?

Wed, Apr 26 - Toronto

N came over and cooked us lunch yesterday (love language). She’s such a safe space for me that I was able to process some of the experiences at the workshop. 

I even showed her my final presentation where, in true Capricorn style, I made a to-do list. It’s time to get to work.

It was real, and the change is palpable. 

Tue, Apr 25 - Toronto

So so happy to be home with my fur baby. 

I fundamentally feel a shift within and hopefully that will be refelcted in my art practice moving forward.

Was it all a dream?

Sun, Apr 23 - San Miguel de Allende

Time is relative. As S mentioned last night, a week in our “normal” life is usually mundane, average. But a week like this is so special, a once-in-a-lifetime type of experience. 

Today is our last full day here and I have so many feels. Sad of course but also feeling so energized and invigorated. And ready to get to work.

The question then becomes, how do we keep up the enthusiasm when we each go back to our separate lives?

Thu, Apr 20 - San Miguel de Allende

Power went out last night while we were at the art school all day, someone crashed into a nearby electric pole. 

Anyway, getting focused feedback on my work by incredible artists has been a wild experience. Someone said the work feels like an outpouring of my soul and that really hit. 

I’ve always had the need to express and output my energy and photography just happened to be the medium. 

I feel myself getting more and more excited to come back to the neighbourhood and film everything and everyone around me.

In what situations and around what people do you get most excited and energetically turned on by?

Mon, Apr 10 - Toronto

Back in Feb, I got news that about acceptance into a week-long photography retreat in Mexico. The focus is on conceptualizing a photobook of a specific project. 

I’m both excited and nervous. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know how else to prepare.

9 days of nothing.

I’d like to commit to being less on my phone and more present in moments. Without the distractions, I’m alone with my thoughts. 

Fri, Mar 24 - Toronto

Before the Sun, I rise. In the darkness, I thrive.

I woke up before Sunrise today. I don’t mind, I just know, I have a long day ahead of me.

Got a new (old) camera recently, N and I named it Omar. Expanding my toolset because without Hassan, the camera, I’m out of commission, without my main tool. 

This was the last photo I took before Hassan broke down. I was trying to capture her in the nighttime, by the candlelight, without flash.

Soon again, I will try.

Rowan
unknown film type
toronto
oct-2022

Tue, Mar 21 - Toronto

I come from a family of engineers and an architect.

They are all good at math and science. Not to say I’m bad at those things, I just don’t understand it on an intellectual level.

When I’m in the darkroom though, math, chemistry and physics collide and magic happens when the photo appears. 

It’s funny how songs can be associated with specific feelings. The one that runs in my head when I think of my time in the darkroom in 2019 is “Sou Sou” by Jidenna:

Chakra feel like new new. 

I’m feeling a renewed sense of Self.

Sahar & Alyosha
unknown film type
ottawa
nov-2022

Sun, Mar 19 - Toronto

S is here and I love having her here. We went to Dotty’s on Friday and she said, women have always been making things and working with their hands.

Sewing, cooking, picking flowers.

I wonder if there were any photographers in my family and ancestral line. I guess my uncle. I never met him but I’ve inherited 100s of his photos.

I need to archive and organize these photos and somehow bring them into the world.

drawing in allan gardens  
unknown film type
toronto
jan-2020

Fri, Mar 17 - Toronto

I left you with this photo, to be sure you don’t forget, what mattered in a moment, it mattered in a moment.

Momentary satisfaction, I crave it. I want to control it and I can, with a click. 

I should learn delayed gratification, I will wait for you. You are worth waiting for. 

How can one gain patience? 

cafe (first kiss)
ilford hp5 plus
toronto
nov-2019

Tue, Mar 7 - Toronto

Must be a full moon, feel like one of those nights.

It’s hard to capture the Moon on film. It’s elusiveness draws me even closer.

Maybe by trying to capture it, I’m trying to control it. So I need to let go.

May you and I start this full Moon, cleansed, and free of our own limiting thoughts and beliefs.

moments (hold me)
400 TX
nyc
aug-2019

Sunday, Feb 26 - Toronto

A subtle jasmine fragrance surrounds you as you come to me. I want higher doses of you. 

Just as I unlocked a memory of yours, you unlocked a memory of mine: I used to work in a portrait studio. If I go into my history, I can probably find these instances and moments where photography came into my life.

In and out. But now it’s here to stay. I’ve made that commitment to myself and my process. 

How can we process our deepest emotions and memories in a healthy, constructive way? And how can we communicate it back to our loved ones?

Wednesday, Feb 22 - Toronto

Waste my time. Get on my line.

Waiting for Spring yet still enjoying the coziness of Winter (it’s just too long). I’m ready to be taken by you, flow into you. 

This Spring, I want to wear more purple. And pink. And be in my feminine energy (let things come to me). That vital, life-creating force within all of us. Create, create, create. 

Yesterday’s webinar matched photos with music. How much can a song influence us, our mood and our perception? Further, how can we use tools such as a camera to decolonize how they view us?

And what would we want to say?

springtime
lomography 100
toronto
sept-2019

Monday, Feb 20 - Toronto

Things keep shifting in the best way possible. Meanwhile, I’m trying to shift the connection I have with Dotty’s.

So I’ve been taking photos. Lots of photos.

I cried to N and she told me to lean on my support and community.

So here I am.